Are the best days behind us?

Last week I was doing errands with my dad. He took me to Burlington Coat Factory to buy himself a new belt. He'd known from experience that Burlington had belts in his size- anything above 44". 

Such was no longer the case. Their belt rack shrunk; same for the Ross Dress for Less next door. It seemed so backwards to me that the store had somehow regressed, their selection becoming less accessible. If I had to guess, they don't see any purpose in appealing to people outside the majority customer base anymore. I can't imagine the blows they've taken to Amazon.

It hurts, though. Is this the downward trend we're on? Is going to an in-person store a waste of time? Cutting them out of my life will only perpetuate the cycle, but I don't have a choice sometimes.

Employees at my local grocery store used to be able to become full-time clerks within 2 years. My mom of 17 years is still "part-time". New-hires' benefits are only getting worse. I won't even get into insurance. I won't get into AI. I'm terrified-- how much thread is left on the spool? How much longer can they pull at it? 

I hear about my family before my grandpa died. He was the heart of the operation; charismatic, hardworking, considerate. Whenever my aunt flew in from New York, he'd have a pack of LaCroix waiting for her, he had everyone's favorite drinks. A stroke left him with one good arm, but he'd still pull me (~4 years of age) to the park in my wagon.

When my grandpa was around, our house was clean. My grandma was sharp and active. We had a dog and a cat, and my (other) aunt would drive in with her kids every weekend. 

My grandparents lived a life as AMERICAN DREAM as it got! They grew up in Detroit, almost everyone in their family working in car factories. My grandma got a full-ride scholarship to an all girl's college where she studied to become a school teacher. My grandpa worked nights whilst completing his engineering degree at University of Michigan. He got a promotion and they moved to California with his son and two daughters. They got a 2-story house with 4 bedrooms for ~$500,000. Are you kidding me?

I'm not here to idealize the American dream or 1970s, but I often scorn myself for not being born earlier. Where was I for that nice version of my family? I love them, but sometimes what I was left with feels dilapidated. Everything about the world feels rotten and hostile now. Sometimes it's hard to be excited about graduating. It's awful and I hate it.

There's a silver lining, I guess. You can't idealize the past without acknowledging all the strides made socially. I don't how miserable I'd be without the (marginal) normalization of queer lifestyles and steps taken towards accessibility. Our world is less mean in a lot of ways! My dad tells me my grandpa was always a strong Republican. He defended the honor of the rich business owner, as if their right to hoard money and union bust would ever affect him. It's a mighty interesting coincidence that those who die earliest are always the best of men... But I don't know, it's hard not feeling like I was cheated out of something. It's a scary world out there!!!

This isn't my ideal first blog post, and I'm definitely not going to make a habit out of this type of thought, but this has been on my mind a LOT the last few months, and it's nice to write it out!

FEELING: