I made my Tumblr account in September 2016 on the precipice of age ten. Me and my friend Milo, who was a year older, became deeply concerned with the various discourses.
Should asexual people be included in the term "LGBT"
How can a lesbian use he/him pronouns?
What the fuck is rabiosexuality?
I was familiar with every strange argument-of-the-week under the sun, and I can't help but feel that experience at a formative age has permanently influenced the way I understand queer identities, for better or for worse. I saw the largest era of xenogender around ~2016-2017, and later I saw the wave of gender-hoarding neo-pronoun use in 2020. People would (and still do in certain circles) build their entire identity around having a laundry list of obscure micro-labels.
I think a lot about this way of queer identification. Obviously, I primarily operate on the policy of "leave people alone", ...but there's no harm in me discussing it with no-one in particular.
To state the obvious, most people who force their three-dimensional sense of self into little boxes are mostly teenagers who are still figuring it out. Erikson's Stages of Development theory states that the developmental task of adolescence (12-18 years) is experimenting with identity and social roles. Perhaps in our current environment, this developmental task can be accomplished through putting a bunch of poorly designed flags on your carrd, and that's a beautiful thing.
But on the other side of the coin, is this way of identifying sustainable? Does it make sense for people to go on this way forever? If it makes you happy go ahead-- but on a philosophical level I must ask how dicing your sense of self into small digestible bits is a good way to go about.
I was happily a "demigirl" when I was 14 (and I still am very fond of that label and flag) but these days I'm much more of a fundamentalist when it comes to queer identities. I don't think about much beyond the staple LGB and T when making characters and headcanons, for example. I like to keep it simple. While I'm not repulsed by newer terms, I just feel reverence for the history. Why use the blue lesbian-flag-recolor when you have the historical Gilbert Baker gay flag? That's just how my brain works. It's not like I approach queerness conservatively, I'm all for getting weird and freaky-- boygirls and transmasc butches etc, but it seems so arbitrary and naive to try and define each nuance of your person-hood into a series of titles. While I see the utilitarian value in having a name for your preferences and the fulfillment of having a community, but its kinda silly at a point, right? I don't have a point or anything, it's just something interesting I think about a lot. This year I wanna read more about feminist and queer history/thought! I'm trying to get around to the paper "One is Not Born a Woman" By Monique Wittig; I've heard interesting stuff about it. If anyone has recommendations let me know! :-)
I, too, in 2016, by the age of nine, for some reason was really invested in Trans youtubers. I distinctly remember looking at myself on the mirror one day, after watching one of their videos, and wondering "Am I trans?" and then coming out with the "Nah, I feel fine". When Gender became a more solidified thing in my life, I was ten, only a year later. Of course by nine I felt "fine", nothing had confronted me yet (in the sense that I had to "think" about it, of course by being female I had already been confronted countless times), Gender and what this construct meant for my place in society wasn't a topic I had to breach. That same year, I shaved myself entirely for the first, and for a long while, last time. It hurt and I felt uncomfortable. I don't know why I did it, I just felt the need to do it. No one told me to—even though nowadays they do—but I do have a hazy, maybe distorted, memory of my mother giving me congratulations. For what? It's bizarre. I knew men didn't need to go through with this. In 2019 and for a while into the pandemic I "became" a Radical Feminist and, yes, I know the terrible (and deserved) reputation, but it was what radicalized me, in a way. I became more attuned to Gender, and finally understood *what* was my problem. Some of them at least. After realizing the community wasn't what I wanted to associate with, I floated before something clicked and I started to think I was trans. It was a terrible time, I suffered a lot, used to wake up crying, wondering why I wanted to become "the enemy" (a man), and the pain I felt by being seen and living as a woman. I don't know *how*, but I got over it. I can't even emulate the pain I used to feel, and nowadays I look back and can't help but laugh a bit at it all. I am dwelling on this because in my Radical Feminist era I was very much against these new labels, "MOGAI" it was called, right? Pansexual / Bisexual discourse was at a high, and all that, so the pandemic years were a time for a lot of discoveries and forming of opinions on Gender and Politics. Mainly because I went to BOTH extremes very quickly (I still believe in the RADFem notion that Gender must be abolished, though) and then, all of a sudden, I really just DGAF about it anymore and if someone called by my dead-name I was like, Oh What The Hell Sure, it didn't reallu affect me because I really do like my "original" (as opposed to dead, that person is still alive, and it is me) name, if someone uses different pronouns with me I don't bat an eye, etc. Who could imagine I used to wake myself up crying because of this? It's insane, and for a while I wondered if depression didn't have a hand on it. I hated myself, so why not hate what makes me ostracized? My gender, obviously. "If I wasn't a woman, my father would like me," "If I wasn't a woman, they wouldn't force me to shave," etc, these types of things, I quickly realized I hated what existing as a woman was, but not being a woman. I don't feel bad about being a woman, but I know my life is hell because I am viewed as one. Labels are oppresive, and while they may seem like a comfort to some, and I do ascribe to your notion that Each Their Own, I do feel like it puts a big wall in front of us. It leads us to people binarizing non-binaries, and these type of stuff. Wouldn't happen if there was nothing to put in the binary, you know? For now, I say I am agender so people can get a better understanding, but I still call myself a woman and/or a man when it suits me because... well yes!
ReplyDeleteYou make such a good point about all these labels binarizing the non-binary! That's a sentiment I've heard a lot lately... you know how much gender essentialism is still floating around feminist and trans spaces (I'm still trying to correct my own thinking around gender...sometimes my misandry gets too serious)! Perhaps putting less emphasis on labels in queer communities would make blurring gender barriers easier...:-)
DeleteAnd thank you for sharing your experience with gender & politics, I've thought extensively about the amount of people who'd be more comfortable being a woman if The World didn't make it an uncomfortable experience, so it's super interesting to hear your side!
In 2020-21 I found myself often a little meloncholic I'd never be a cisman, and thought a lot about gender (both as a result of the gender-experimenty atmosphere of the internet & a trans boyfriend I had who tried persuading me to try out "he/him" and "they/them" as he grew fond of being "gay" instead of "bi"--crazy fucking times)) but ultimately I decided I'm very happy calling myself a GIRL! (I havent come around on the word "woman" yet but I am so willingly girl) & I'm happy that you've also found peace w/ your identity... ^_^